Unfortunate Side Effects
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Hidan has to perform a ritual. Kakuzu has to endure the effects of that ritual. Not a pleasant experience for anyone. kakuhidan


Saturday afternoon found Kakuzu sitting at his desk and staring at his ledger, hoping that if he pretended to be working on the Akatsuki's budget for long enough, he might actually muster up the will to really balance their finances. The banker knew that if he didn't get the work done soon, he'd lose all chance of peace and quiet when doing his work. Hidan had been gone for a month, and was due back at the base today.

Sighing, Kakuzu set down his pencil and propped his head up on one hand. Much as he hated to admit it, his lack of productivity was partially a result of Hidan being gone for that month. Whenever Hidan was assigned a solo mission and Kakuzu was left at the base, the miser would be productive for all of three days before completely crashing. Hidan was annoying and distracting as hell when he was around Kakuzu, but damn it if the zealot's absence wasn't a bigger distraction. When Kakuzu wasn't worrying that his partner had gotten himself ripped to pieces or thrown into some dank little prison as a result of his loud mouth, he was fretting over Hidan getting lost or cold or hungry, and even if he managed to get through all that, there were certain to be some nights when he woke up from a particularly sensual dream involving Hidan right before it could come to a "happy ending".

So yeah, Hidan being away from him for too long tended to be a problem.

Kakuzu was abruptly yanked out of his thoughts when the door to his room burst open to reveal Hidan, grinning widely at the miser's obvious surprise. "Honey, I'm home!" he bellowed in a rather obnoxious tone.

Then again, breaks from the Jashinist weren't all that bad…

Rolling his eyes at Hidan's antics, Kakuzu motioned for Hidan to come closer and give him a kiss. The zealot was only able to get a little further into the room, however, before Kakuzu backed away and wrinkled his nose. "The hell's wrong with you?" Hidan demanded, somewhat annoyed at being told to come and then immediately stop.

"Hidan, you reek."

"It's not that bad!" Hidan protested.

"You smell like day-old roadkill. And the bloodstains on your cloak and hair make me think that's probably what's causing the stench."

Hidan crossed his arms and humph'ed at his partner. "Don't get all pissy, dumbass. It's just part of the ritual."

"Ritu-oh dear Kami, no, Hidan."

"What? It's a part of Jashinist tradition-"

"I don't care if Jashin himself appeared in front of you and told you to do this, we are not putting up with the Basking Ritual again!"

Every now and again, the Akatsuki members would have to suffer some torment or other at the hands of Hidan's religion, because torturing semi-innocent bystanders is something that cults tend to do very well. There were rituals that limited the zealot to raw food for a day, rituals that involved not wearing clothes for a day (Hidan was kept in the base during those times), and so on and so forth. But none of them were so despised by the other ninjas as the month of the Basking Ritual. According to Hidan, this was to be a time of reveling in the mayhem and destruction caused in the name of Jashin, and followers were expected to show off the fruits of their labor at all times. According to Kakuzu, this was a thirty day period where Hidan refused to bathe and would walk around covered in blood, guts, rotten food and possibly skunk spray, if the Jashinist managed to piss off the local wildlife. Needless to say, the zealot tended to smell rather ripe by the time the ritual was over.

"Go to hell, this ritual is a direct order from Jashin-sama, so if I don't do this we're fucked!"

"Absolutely not," Kakuzu continued to refuse. "The base stank for weeks after last year's fiasco, and we had to get you new sheets and a cloak because the others needed to be burned!"

"Tch, like our sheets weren't already-"

"Hidan, there is nothing you can say or do that will let me allow this to happen."

Much to Kakuzu's surprise, Hidan didn't explode in a fiery outburst of rage and expletives, but rather grinned wickedly at the miser. "Oh, I wouldn't bet on that, Kuzu."

Kakuzu quirked a brow at his partner, somewhat uneasy at his partner's sudden shift in demeanor. "Really."

"Kuzu, how much work do you get done when I'm not around?"

"What does that have to do with this?"

"Just answer the fucking question."

"Not much…"

Hidan's grin widened. "So, you probably didn't notice an issue with your ledger, did ya?"

Kakuzu's stomach twisted itself in knots as he glanced towards his little black book. "Hidan, what did you do?"

"Right before I left, I switched out that crappy little ledger of your with a decoy. You can have the original back…once the Basking Ritual is complete."

Less than amused, Kakuzu picked up Hidan by the throat and slammed him into a wall. "If you know what's good for you, you'll give back the ledger before I separate your head from your body."

"When the hell has that threat ever worked for you?"

Kakuzu held Hidan aloft for a few more seconds before resigning himself to the fact that his partner was both correct and pure evil. "Stupid little bastard," he ground out as he set Hidan back down.

"Says the guy who fell for the sadomasochist," Hidan retorted with far too much glee. "Don't worry dumbass, we're already on day four! Just twenty-six more to go."

Kakuzu groaned and shook his head. This was going to be a long month.

-day seven-

Hidan was beginning to smell extremely ripe a week into the ritual. Kakuzu flat out refused to let the Jashinist sleep in their bed anymore if he wasn't going to bathe first, so now Hidan was confined to the floor. This resulted in Kakuzu having a very bitchy roommate, and it took everything in his power not to take the Jashinist out back and bury him in Zetsu's tomato patch until this stupid ritual was over and done with. "Damnit, at least give me a pillow!" Hidan whined one night.

"No, your stench will ruin it," Kakuzu countered without an ounce of pity in his voice. "You know, if you would just take a shower and scrape off that fine layer of filth, you could be up here with me. Probably making out with me, for that matter."

"Fuck you, this is religious intolerance!"

"The only thing about you that I'm refusing to tolerate right now is that stench." It was true; Kakuzu had made a habit of routinely soaking his face mask in some of Konan's perfume throughout the day, and now wore his mask at all times. It was uncomfortable and would no doubt lead to an eternal hatred of all things that smelt of lilac and cherry blossom, but that was the price one paid in dating Hidan.

"Asshole!" Hidan screeched before rushing out of the room.

Kakuzu took a deep breath (immediately regretted; the perfume was so strong it made his eyes water) and followed his partner out of the room. With his luck, the zealot would head straight for the couch, and he'd have to burn that as well.

-day eleven-

"This is getting to be unbearable, un," Deidara groaned from his place at the kitchen counter. One hand was pinching his nostrils shut as though his life depended on it, while the other was attempting to shove bites of food down his throat. "I forget what it's like to live in a house that doesn't stink, un."

Sasori nodded in agreement; although as a puppet he had the capability to shut off his sense of smell at will, he deeply disliked not being able to taste food now. "It hasn't even been two weeks; how can he manage to smell so foul?"

Kakuzu, the only other person sitting at the counter at the time, took a deep whiff of ocean breeze perfume before answering. "Keep in mind, most people have the common sense not to sacrifice things that are full of blood and organs if they know that they won't be able to bathe for a while. I'm fairly certain common sense is as foreign to Hidan as life without Jashin."

"Harsh, un. Can't you at least sprits him down with air freshener or something?"

"No, it counts as interference with this stupid ritual," Kakuzu explained. "Believe me, I've tried just about everything I can think of."

"Why not see if Pein could send him on a solo mission?" Sasori suggested. "If he has to stink, why not let it happen outside of the base?"

"Great idea, Sasori danna!"

"I'll ask him this afternoon," Kakuzu agreed. "Let's just hope Pein has a mission that's either very far away, or will need a large amount of time to finish."

-day 20-

Unfortunately for the entire Akatsuki, Hidan's assignment did not take him nearly as far away as they would have liked, nor did it require much of the zealot's time. A rogue nobleman had turned against the Akatsuki by not only cutting off their supply line through his region but also by barring the organization from cutting through his territory for their missions. Needless to say, Pein did not take kindly to such a slight, and sent Hidan out to threaten the man into submission. Normally Itachi or Pein himself would go on missions like this, since they typically required at least a mild amount of diplomacy, but the nobleman wasn't too much of a threat and the other ninjas were desperate to get Hidan out of the base. Hidan was given a bag and sent packing, and Pein was sure that it would be weeks before the Jashinist finally realized he couldn't break the man himself and would require backup.

Tragically for the Akatsuki members, they'd drastically underestimated how much Hidan's stench would grow on his trek to the nobleman's lair. Crossing a bog, skulking through a garbage dump, and viciously maiming several bandits on his journey had taken the Jashinist's stench to new levels, nearly bringing Hidan to the point where you could smell him long before you ever saw him. Thus when Hidan finally reached his destination, he barely had to fight anyone to get inside, because most of the guards were doubled over either gagging or vomiting from the stench. The target had surrendered in under an hour, swearing that he would comply with any of the Akatsuki's demands as long as Hidan would get off his property and never return. Hidan, happy with these results, headed straight back for the Akatsuki mountain base, but not before sending a message ahead of him to let the members know how well he'd done on an assignment they were sure he would fail.

This message acted as a warning to the missing nins, and Kakuzu was able to intercept Hidan before he got within a hundred feet of the base. "You're not allowed inside," he flatly stated.

"What?!"

"You heard me. We figured your stench would be god-awful if your target surrendered so quickly, and it looks like we were right." Kakuzu paused and took a shallow breath, trying not to gag. "We set up a tent for you in Zetsu's garden. Try not to squish the cauliflower."

"Like hell-"

"Hidan, you're either spending the night in a tent or a shower. Your call."

The Jashinist swore violently at his partner for several more minutes, but at last was forced to resign himself to sleeping in the tent. "I fucking hate you, Kakuzu!" he called out as he crawled into the temporary shelter.

"I'm sure," the banker replied with a roll of his eyes. Kami, why did he have to be partnered with such a difficult man?

-day 27-

Even Zetsu was forced to avoid his own garden now, and a perpetual cloud of flies hung around Hidan. The zealot spent most of his time either pouting in his tent or scavenging vegetables from the garden, since he couldn't go into the kitchen for food. Kakuzu, showing a slightly merciful side for once in his life, decided to bring the zealot some real food on this day. Even if it made his eyes water from the stench.

"Cake!" Hidan exclaimed, catching sight of the fluffy pound cake that Kakuzu had brought out of the kitchen for him. The miser allowed his partner to eat the entire thing in one sitting, despite knowing that it would probably give Hidan a stomachache that would lead to mountains of complaints later that night. "Thanks 'Kuzu!"

"Still hate me?" the miser asked, unable to completely repress a smirk.

"Nah," Hidan replied while stuffing his face with handfuls of cake.

"Hidan, why are you doing this?" Kakuzu asked.

"Because Jashin-"

"I know Jashin orders it or whatever, but would it really kill you to skip some of these rituals? They rarely turn out well for you."

Hidan stopped eating the cake for a minute, frowning at the ground as he thought about what to say. "I'm immortal because Jashin made it so. If I piss him off, he might take that away." Kakuzu had to admit that the little zealot had a fair point there. "And if that happens, I won't get to stay with you, dumbass. I'd probably die really quickly in battle, if you didn't accidentally-on-purpose break my neck." Hidan actually shot the miser a glare at this point. "Get it, Kakuzu? I'm not doing this because I fucking want to, I'm doing this for us." Argument made, the Jashinist went right back to stuffing himself on sweets.

Kakuzu remained silent for the duration of Hidan's meal, eventually taking the empty plate back into the kitchen without a word. However, after that he made it a point to bring Hidan food three times a day.

-day 30-

"The Basking Ritual is officially complete!" Hidan cheered, knocking over his tent in jubilation. "Take that, you shitty pup tent!"

"About damn time," Kakuzu grumbled nearby.

"Sweet, this means I can go inside and wash off now, right?" Hidan eagerly inquired.

"Wrong."

"What?!"

"You're not going into the base either smelling like that or coated with…whatever it is you've spent the past month rolling around in."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?!" the Jashinist demanded.

"Hold still while I hose you down," Kakuzu answered, already pointing a weathered green hose in Hidan's direction.

"Wait just a Jashin-damned minute-"

"Zetsu, turn it on!" Kakuzu called out. Moments later icy water was gushing out of the hose, spraying down an extremely pissed off zealot.

"Kakuzu, that shit's freezing!"

"You can take a bath once we get most of the stink off," Kakuzu flatly stated, gagging slightly as the force of the water peeled off several black layers of goop from Hidan which then splattered to the ground. "Here's a bar of soap; try to wash off the chunks."

"I'm not getting naked out here!" Hidan spluttered as his face was sprayed. "What if someone sees me?!"

"The others are in town until you're no longer deemed to be a walking bioharzard, and everything that you've touched in the past month has been burned. Now strip, you big baby." Hidan tried to voice a few more protests but was stopped by Kakuzu spraying his face each time. Finally he peeled off his pants and tossed them towards the pup tent, shivering and cursing Kakuzu all the while. "The faster you finish this part, the faster you can take a warm shower," was all the banker would say.

"Fuck all of you, repeatedly and painfully!" Hidan screamed.

"For what it's worth, Zetsu was told to head into town as soon as I had him turn on the hose," Kakuzu remarked. "No one's going to see you."

Hidan continued to grumbled as he scrubbed and scrubbed, managing to scrape a good portion of the filth off with his nails and the bar of soap. At last his smell was deemed tolerable, and Kakuzu kinked the hose shut. "Head for the shower while I shut off the hose. And don't touch anything until you get into the bathroom."

"Fucking finally!" Hidan cheered as he made a dash to the base's entrance. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and leisurely walked across the garden to shut off the hose; he was in no hurry to chase after the zealot when he still smelled so foul.

The miser finally entered the base, immediately retrieving a mop to clean up the watery trail Hidan had left behind on his way inside the base. Normally he'd make Hidan do this task, but right now he wanted the zealot to stay in the shower until every last speck of dirt and dried blood had been washed down the drain.

Eventually Kakuzu entered his and Hidan's shared room, pleased to hear the sound of running water coming from their bathroom. "Jashin damnit, I missed shampoo," Hidan all but moaned from the shower. "Feels so fucking good."

"Hidan, where the hell did you put my ledger?" Kakuzu demanded.

"Konan's bathroom, bottom of her box of tampons."

"How did you…never mind, I'm going to get it back now. If you're lying-"

"Why the hell would I lie to you anymore, dumbass? See for yourself, your shitty ledger's exactly where I said it was!"

Kakuzu decided against dragging out their argument any further and exited their bedroom, going down the hall and eventually entering Konan's private bathroom (given to her because she outright refused to share with a boy, even Pein). Kakuzu carefully retrieved his ledger, praying that Konan would never find out about this little scheme of Hidan's, and immediately made his way back to his room.

By the time he got back, Hidan had finished his shower and was toweling off in the bedroom, one fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist as he dried off his hair with another. "Fuck, this feels great," he muttered to himself. He stopped drying his hair when he noticed that Kakuzu had returned, tossing the hair towel on the back of the miser's chair. "See, told ya it was there, 'Kuzu."

Kakuzu chose not to reply, and instead scooped up the miser and forcefully pinned him to the wall. "Shut up, it's been two fucking months since we've done anything, and no one is coming back until I give them the signal," Kakuzu snapped before trapping his partner in a kiss. "You are **mine** now, you crazy little zealot."

For once in his life Hidan refrained from bitching, instead wrapping his arms around the banker's shoulders and kissing back with a soft moan. Kakuzu grinned as he felt Hidan slide his mask completely off and tangle his fingers in the miser's hair. Kakuzu shifted his hands, trying to get a better grip on his partner-

When suddenly Hidan pulled away, slipping back down to the floor. "Hidan?"

The Jashinist gave the miser a long, scrutinizing gaze. "Listen Kakuzu, we can do this later. But right now…"

"…?"

"You fucking reek." And before Kakuzu could blink, Hidan was out the door of their room.

It took the miser a few seconds to process what had just happened. When it finally hit him, however, he angrily tore open the door and ran into the hallway. "HIDAN!"

The zealot was all the way down the hall by now, grinning wickedly at the enraged miser. "Payback's a bitch, Kuzu!" he called out. And still grinning at his partner's anger, he removed his towel and threw it towards Kakuzu as he rounded the corner to head into the kitchen.

"Why that little…" Kakuzu growled as he chased after the Jashinist. As soon as he caught that insufferable partner of his, he was going to ravish the little zealot within an inch of his life. Provided he didn't just break Hidan's neck.


End file.
